he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
