She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
