you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
