He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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