This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
