I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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