I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
