hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
