I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
