I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
