Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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