Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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