I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
