dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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