I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
