I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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