I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
