So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I pour the whiskey from now on
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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