Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
