she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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