cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize