genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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