You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
