remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
