Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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