Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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