Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
