Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
