he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
