Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
