Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
