hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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