Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
