so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
