His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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