Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize