Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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