This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
