I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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