Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
