Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
