then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
