i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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