i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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