Betty ford says i'm here all night
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
