He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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