i jhust puked up my retainher.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
