Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
