You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
