Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
