I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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