I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
