I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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