god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
