I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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