Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
