Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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