There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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