but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
