There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
