god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
